“I never go south of the river”

“I never go south of the river”

She lives in Islington or Camden and she never leaves her little North London Bubble. Even though she’s at uni all her friends are from that same North London bubble. This is because they all collectively chose to remain in London and live out their uni years here. She is North London and proud, and her stance on life “anything south of the River isn’t worth touching”.

Having a conversation with this gal is entertaining because she’s got that cold and blunt London sense of humour. However, after a few dates with this girl, you’ll realise she only ever wants to go to the same three bars in the hopes she’ll bump into one of her school pals and will ditch you on the date for a cig break that lasts 45 minutes with all her chums.

“I only date boys who went to Eton or Harrow”

At a push, they’ll make an exception for a Winchester or Westminster boy- but only when she’s comfortable in the knowledge he has a house in South Ken. For these girls your schooling means everything and if you don’t fit her public school image it doesn’t matter how good you are at anything else you’re just not the right one.

If you sleep with this girl and you’re not a public schoolboy she’ll keep you on standby as her regular shag whilst she reassures her friends that you’re just a “bit of fun and its nothing serious”. Deep down she’s waiting for Jonty to come and replace her daddy issues with hubby issues.

“Don’t you just love Hamilton”

Oh god, we get it you like theatre! However, their knowledge of theatre is limited to the Hamilton, Mamma Mia and Six soundtracks. These girls LOVE amateur dramatics, singalong events and randomly breaking into Alexander Hamilton at the pub. Total liabilities on a night out because they will drag you up to sing karaoke, break into a full-blown chorus number on the Tube or re-enact The Winner Takes it All in full if you do not pay them enough attention.

They live for drama, to such an extent that you can’t sustain a single conversation with them without them crying. Over the top doesn’t cut it. If you want to sing and dance your way through life, she’s the girl for you.

“But have you read Women Don’t Owe You Pretty?”

Meet your wannabe woke girl. However, her feminist views are problematique to say the least. Her wardrobe is made up of 50% TALA and the other 50% will be “super sustainable designer brands” (yeah we know what you’re thinking).

Whilst she’d like you to think that she’s the next big thing in social justice causes she avidly throws about the word “chav” and is riddled with insecurity when she’s around other girls she believes to be prettier than her.

She also considers herself to be a #bodyposi influencer to all 800 of her Instagram followers every time she posts a pic of herself with a singular stretch mark in a size six bikini.

“Anyone got any menthol filters?”

She really wants to be edgy but she’s just not quite there. She smokes menthols because she just can’t quite manage normal cigarettes. She drinks fruity cider because “normal cider and beer don’t taste nice” and she asks for extra oat milk in her latte. She’s basically a little duckling who led a sheltered life before coming to university and all her actions aim to hide that reality.

However, it won’t take long for you to see through the edgy outer layer and to the sweet little daddy’s girl underneath. When she’s not trying to look cool at the pub with her mates she’s wearing her M&S jumpers and has gone home to the countryside to see her grandparents for Sunday dinner.

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